The IntenSati Method by PATRICIA MORENO

Author:PATRICIA MORENO
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2000-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

My(self) Love Story

I wasn’t always in love with love. I once read a self-help book that recommended you look in the mirror and declare “I love you.” Well, I mulled it over—and then I totally rejected the idea. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous. What difference would telling myself “I love you” make? Besides, of course I loved myself! Everyone loves themselves … don’t they? What really bugged me—and continued to for days—was that I had such a cynical reaction to this seemingly innocuous advice. I rolled my eyes and scoffed at the absurdity of it. It even made me mad. Why? Because I knew, deep down, that I had fallen out of love with myself.

The problem became crystal clear to me on a photo shoot shortly afterward. I was questioning whether I had lost enough weight to be photographed in exercise clothes (spandex is not very forgiving). As the day progressed, my bad mood kept inflating like a balloon. My joy was fading fast, and the closer I got to the hour of the shoot, the more I doubted myself. “Okay, Patricia,” I tried to reason, “why are you beating yourself up? Whose approval are you looking for here?” I had been written up in at least fifty magazines; I had won numerous fitness awards; I had done more than fifteen workout videos. On a personal level, I was in love and had a perfect partner and was making a great living. I had already achieved many of the things I had been working toward, so when was it going to be enough? Was I really going to let all I had and all I had accomplished be meaningless?

Who was it who had to crown me “good enough”? I already had the job. What weight did I have to be? Was it worth sacrificing my joy for 10 pounds? I asked myself point-blank, “What will be enough to convince you?” If I am on Oprah, does that mean I am good enough? If my classes get more packed, if I do another video, am I good enough? If I get the cover of a magazine? When does this end? I realized it was a battle that was truly never going to end unless I was willing to approve of myself and not seek everyone else’s blessing.

The shoot was not my best work. I was extremely self-conscious, and it was so unlike me. Usually, I love being in front of the camera. But this time, I didn’t shine. I tried to crowd out my negative self and get back to the place I knew felt good and right, but that day I couldn’t do it. I let the criticizing voice deplete my energy. The results were less than impressive: my smile was forced; my poses were uninspiring. I was unhappy, and it showed. I kept comparing myself to everyone else, and it was a very painful experience. When I left, I promised myself that I would deal with whatever was making me so miserable.

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